Digging up the fighter….

I left off last time saying I wanted to find that girl I knew I once was and dig her out again.  This morning on my drive to dropping the kids off for school I had a moment of hands full of dirt.  I sat behind the steering wheel and my phone was playing a random shuffle playlist of songs.  Then I had a song come on from a friend of mine.  It played and I found myself at first singing along.  It was beautiful, the song, and then my mind began to wander and before I knew it the melody I was singing along with suddenly turned into a wave of sudden panic and a pinch of sadness.  I knew the emotion right as it hit, but I was attempting to lie to myself and say I was not comparing myself.. but I was.  I began to take inventory of my morning, I was half awake, dressed in my sweats, 4th cup of coffee in my “super mom” to go mug.  I had a “to do” list that consisted of things like:

Feed Dogs

Take out trash

Mop kitchen

laundry

Pick up kids

Make dinner

try to not cry

It was a sad list. (in my opinion in these moments)  I began to mourn over this mundane life I was in.  Why did I not have more success with my album?  Why did I stop going out on the road?  What if I never complete this new album?  What if no-one likes the new music?  What if I am too old for all of this?  Oh God… I am too old for all of this!  I am ancient!  I may as well lay down and just make out my last will and testament.  I have no future.  No one liked me anyway.   These are the frantic, random, self-deprecating thoughts I am entertaining.  I am practically serving them Hors d’oeuvres and drinks.  “Hey there insecure, sad, pathetic woman… Hors d’oeuvre?”   Then like a glutton for punishment, I take the entire plate and eat, washing it down with self-pity in a cup that is spilled all over my shirt.  Not going to sugar coat it.. it was an ugly moment.  I actually cried silently for a few minutes.   My friends song ended and a new song came on that was not done by anyone I knew so I began to come down from the ledge of comparison for a moment.

Remember back when I started this whole “blog” thing and I said I was going to stop making excuses and stop being afraid of success?  Yeah, me too.   I cannot tell you how hard that actually is to put into practice in my life.  It is like being on a see-saw.   One day I fee as if I am up, and I have all the motivation and am fearlessly moving towards reaching dreams and goals I’ve set.  Then a week later I am down and beating myself up, making up reasons why I should not pursue my dreams.  It brings me to a place of running on a hamster wheel and accomplishing nothing.  I run, hopping off to go drink water out of my water bottle hanging from the cage I have put myself in.  I look around, even run around the small space, only to jump back on the wheel and run my little fury, hamster butt off.  It is exhausting.  I question why I am doing it every step of the way, but I continue anyway.  This morning I had jumped on for a moment  It sucks.  I jumped off and I am even in this moment fighting getting back on.  Even opening my computer and blogging today was a conscious effort to take steps forward and AWAY from the hamster wheel.  This was the handful of dirt I spoke of.  I am digging today.  I am getting dirt under my imperfect fingernails.  I am wiping my forehead and streaking it on my brow.  I am recklessly tossing it behind me and not thinking about cleaning it up.  I want to see the dirt.  I want to see the mess., and then have the strength, courage, and determination to walk away from it.  I found a little piece of that girl I know I am this morning.  I found the fighter.  Bell rung, insecurity in the other corner and I am coming out swinging.  No longer fighting shadows  then jumping on a wheel and acting as if that is fighting anything real.   This girl is a fighter.

 

 

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