I left off last time saying I wanted to find that girl I knew I once was and dig her out again. This morning on my drive to dropping the kids off for school I had a moment of hands full of dirt. I sat behind the steering wheel and my phone was playing a random shuffle playlist of songs. Then I had a song come on from a friend of mine. It played and I found myself at first singing along. It was beautiful, the song, and then my mind began to wander and before I knew it the melody I was singing along with suddenly turned into a wave of sudden panic and a pinch of sadness. I knew the emotion right as it hit, but I was attempting to lie to myself and say I was not comparing myself.. but I was. I began to take inventory of my morning, I was half awake, dressed in my sweats, 4th cup of coffee in my “super mom” to go mug. I had a “to do” list that consisted of things like:
Take out trash
Pick up kids
try to not cry
It was a sad list. (in my opinion in these moments) I began to mourn over this mundane life I was in. Why did I not have more success with my album? Why did I stop going out on the road? What if I never complete this new album? What if no-one likes the new music? What if I am too old for all of this? Oh God… I am too old for all of this! I am ancient! I may as well lay down and just make out my last will and testament. I have no future. No one liked me anyway. These are the frantic, random, self-deprecating thoughts I am entertaining. I am practically serving them Hors d’oeuvres and drinks. “Hey there insecure, sad, pathetic woman… Hors d’oeuvre?” Then like a glutton for punishment, I take the entire plate and eat, washing it down with self-pity in a cup that is spilled all over my shirt. Not going to sugar coat it.. it was an ugly moment. I actually cried silently for a few minutes. My friends song ended and a new song came on that was not done by anyone I knew so I began to come down from the ledge of comparison for a moment.
Remember back when I started this whole “blog” thing and I said I was going to stop making excuses and stop being afraid of success? Yeah, me too. I cannot tell you how hard that actually is to put into practice in my life. It is like being on a see-saw. One day I fee as if I am up, and I have all the motivation and am fearlessly moving towards reaching dreams and goals I’ve set. Then a week later I am down and beating myself up, making up reasons why I should not pursue my dreams. It brings me to a place of running on a hamster wheel and accomplishing nothing. I run, hopping off to go drink water out of my water bottle hanging from the cage I have put myself in. I look around, even run around the small space, only to jump back on the wheel and run my little fury, hamster butt off. It is exhausting. I question why I am doing it every step of the way, but I continue anyway. This morning I had jumped on for a moment It sucks. I jumped off and I am even in this moment fighting getting back on. Even opening my computer and blogging today was a conscious effort to take steps forward and AWAY from the hamster wheel. This was the handful of dirt I spoke of. I am digging today. I am getting dirt under my imperfect fingernails. I am wiping my forehead and streaking it on my brow. I am recklessly tossing it behind me and not thinking about cleaning it up. I want to see the dirt. I want to see the mess., and then have the strength, courage, and determination to walk away from it. I found a little piece of that girl I know I am this morning. I found the fighter. Bell rung, insecurity in the other corner and I am coming out swinging. No longer fighting shadows then jumping on a wheel and acting as if that is fighting anything real. This girl is a fighter.